could have been productive this morning, but chose to lounge until 11.30ish. headed to the train to go to the copley society. i saw dimitri on the train. gave him a t-tap. yesterday before the gallery i saw the lovely mark cohen at bagel rising. looking forward to getting to know him better.
nicolle, the lovely nicolle richard, has gone to l.a. off to pursue her life on the west coast. my coast of origin. i got quite a wonderful text from her last evening, or rather, this morning, at 3am. very cute…. very nicolle. for me, yesterday was the first day without her. i now understand a lot more: in one day, i feel i learned lightyears worth of information. i can not begin to express how happy and how deeply thankful i am to be working full time soon, only 12 days away. i can work hard at something, and have a reason to ask questions. victor frankle, in man’s search for meaning, presents love, sorrow, and work as the main components that make man happy/healthy/whole. i really feel these 3 components are so true.
after running to copy cop with my first fully designed brochure to be printed for tomorrow night’s opening, i waited a bit longer than necessary for the E/heath street train, and went to see the sophomore/junior fashion show at massart. my dear lovely friend nicole jimenez had all three of her pieces shown. i spied her boyfriend mike in the audience and we sat together during the show. saw gerald jimenez and mel jimenez and allison jimenez and arelis soto de jimenez afterward. i couldn’t explain the joy. not now.
got home and greeted annie and her dear mother mary. jenny is at six flags today, masha had two themepark ride themed facebook videos to prove it. got home and i was antsy. gerald and mel and i were talking about bars and drinkan and things, and i decided, the hell with it, im hankering for a pimm’s cup and i want to go to deep ellum. i sat at the corner of the bar. and i was so content. im overloaded on thinking about me [ who am i, how should i treat people, what do my actions say, how can i be truer]… and i am also overloaded on thinking about others….. it was perfect to just go, sit, drink my simple and lovely singular drink, enjoying the buzz of the bar. zoning out to the basketball game for the same reason that i zone out watching most team sports – their movement is mesmerizing. and since they are moving according to the stipulations of a game, their movements are not premeditated or overly constructed…. and therefore create the most odd and intriguing shapes of space between bodies.
graduation on sunday. mom, dad, spencer, paddy, and alexa are all coming in on friday evening, in two waves. i started at bu because it was the only east coast school i finished my application for, and, really, they gave me the most money. i remember finding out just how much at a rehearsal for bbhs’s production of when you wish upon a star… sam harris was in his john smith costume at the time i received the call. i didn’t think i could ever make it as an ‘artist’ – actress, musician, visual artist…. so i told myself i would learn to love theatre design. many many things, after a year of shuffling to and fro the huntington theatre (congrats jordan callais on your new job there!), it was made very clear to me that this was not my space.
taking history of photography from the most fantastic kim sichel with annie was key. paper on photographer august sander:
i then switched my major to art history and my advisor to kim sichel. i didn’t feel i could create well without knowing what came before me; my largest stumbling block in freshman year design mode was thinking i had a style and trying to force my ideas to fit into this supposed ‘style’. i could not rely only upon aesthetic instinct – i needed more vaildity through knowledge.
writing with 150 with seminar with amy chmielewski taught me the importance of specificity and revision; paper on egon schiele.
seminar with williams on contemporary art. learning that art is much more than i thought, much more than many allow it to be. paper and in-class-happening on allan kaprow:
summers performing in big bear lake, winters eating pfefferneuse and falling in love with chistmas over and over. a year ago studying for a semester in kbh. nicoletta isar’s course the anachronism of the image and a presentation on the artist [divine/scientist/wanderer/genius/absent mind] and the role of art [control/sacrifice/cure/dialectic]
i loved this time and i hated it also. i know my curiosities would make me drown. and they did. as the sun became a more often visitor, and as i eventually had my own room due to thomas clark’s departure and offer of his keops room, my anxiety grew. i didn’t know how to deal with, not necessarily all of the new knowledge, but all of the new possibilities. i was scared, my body was scared. the sun made me feel exposed, so i stayed inside, or rode my bike alone. this time was also marked by intense feelings of certain friendship, those feelings and then the haulting anxiety are the heaviest memories.
summer beautiful summer. work at the gym / work out at the gym. work with cathy. twitterpated. move back to boston, new apartments. eunice in streetcar. feeling torn down by a comment on a paper: pompous. started second guessing every thought every word, anxiety increases all over again. a nice winter. back in the spring and taking care of business.
and then, and now, i see. i have gotten to the place i’ve always wanted to be – a place where i know how to act upon my curiosities. a place where i understand how life is a joy. i’m saying whatever and im giving into being myself. this is terrifying, but i’ve tried everything else up until now, and i’ve been anxious, i’ve been depressed, i’ve been lonely, i’ve been critical. now i’m giving in to how i think…. knowing there is no right or wrong in the manner of living, the mode, the key, the shade, the tone, but there is just the a way that i do things. and a way that you, or he, or she does things. and i say i’ve gotten to the place i want to be – that is the mental place. its activation in day to day life is very choppy as of now. every day is an experiment to see how to improve upon the previous.
this is a lot of change. im enamored knowing i’m moving forward, and taking inventory of all the things i see and feel along the way. this is also daunting, but i do not want to become emotionally reserved. i still fear the same things as before, i just have better understanding of how to move through. what if, instead of creating images of ourselves as ourselves, we actually were all that we wanted to be? when we say we do things, we do them, and then do them well? no playing games, just interest in moving forward? conquering jealousy? having a concept of self that, on the one hand, understands and is sensitive to expectations, but does not let those expectations dominate over intrinsic curiosity, or the fact that every person deserves their best. i must repeat and repeat again that i do not say these things to mean that i have arrived here, but i have arrived at a point where this is the sort of thing i now work toward. not to see things as it is acceptable to see them, not to see things as a reaction against what is acceptable, but to take each day’s component for itself. to create to create. to share creations in order to share. to hide behind no words.
we must give ourselves over to complexity if we are ever to become closer to one another.
im finishing up a graduation announcement this weekend,
please let me know if you’d like to receive it.