work was quiet today at the gallery – thank goodness. this week was a bit of a whirlwind, but we’re nearing the end of it now. after work finished i took dartmouth south past the library, grabbed a drink and walked along tremont street to the piano factory. alexa guariglia is an artist from the smfa who i’ve been so happy to meet. her show “works on paper” opened this evening and runs until july 31st. i’ve adored her black ink on paper work, but i had never seen her works with color, and i was blown away. it is so refreshing to not be able to predict every one of your own opinions. there was one piece i stood so long studying – to look at the color patterns, and variants of texture. it felt intelligently created – complex without the usual hint of cynicism so frequent in young twenty-something’s art. intricate without being predictable. visit her website www.alexa-guariglia.com. visit the show itself if you have the opportunity.
afterwards i walked on mass ave toward hynes but was stopped by the sounds coming from wally’s cafe jazz club, right near the columbia | mass ave. intersection. i blundered outside the door for a little bit, knowing i would stick out like a sore thumb, etc, and that is how it was, but i just walked right up to the bar, ordered a drink, and sat myself down near the performance space. i like listening to live music. for the purpose of listening to the music, it is nice to go on my own, that way i can indulge without feeling socially selfish. it reminds me of, i believe, it was a quote from the awakening by kate chopin, were the main character describes thinking of a narrative while listening to music verses thinking in colors and shapes and tones [at least this is what i seem to recall from this bit of the text.] taking inventory of thoughts is fascinating. while i was listening, i felt i was simultaneously watching my thoughts ebb in and out of the music – sometimes amazed at the speed of moments, actual and prospective, that passed through my mind, and then being shaken back into the space and time where i really was by some droning low note coming from the saxophone, or accented beat, wailing trumpet.
each moment is one in itself yet is also a step to the next. the next, be it grand or aberrant. aberrant not as a negative, but a selection of the spectrum of possibilities. the negative would be, let me readdress in my head, in words, in thought – the negative is stuckedness (stemming from fear.) stuckedness stemming from curiosity or desire to wholly observe or take inventory…. intentional stuckedness for enrichment. how to make that movement rather than lines embedded in a napkin. nonetheless i try and i learn and im on the slow starting upward after an odd bout under.
last day of work for the week tomorrow – apartment talking with ali clark – birthday party – 20 days till home!
could have been productive this morning, but chose to lounge until 11.30ish. headed to the train to go to the copley society. i saw dimitri on the train. gave him a t-tap. yesterday before the gallery i saw the lovely mark cohen at bagel rising. looking forward to getting to know him better.
nicolle, the lovely nicolle richard, has gone to l.a. off to pursue her life on the west coast. my coast of origin. i got quite a wonderful text from her last evening, or rather, this morning, at 3am. very cute…. very nicolle. for me, yesterday was the first day without her. i now understand a lot more: in one day, i feel i learned lightyears worth of information. i can not begin to express how happy and how deeply thankful i am to be working full time soon, only 12 days away. i can work hard at something, and have a reason to ask questions. victor frankle, in man’s search for meaning, presents love, sorrow, and work as the main components that make man happy/healthy/whole. i really feel these 3 components are so true.
after running to copy cop with my first fully designed brochure to be printed for tomorrow night’s opening, i waited a bit longer than necessary for the E/heath street train, and went to see the sophomore/junior fashion show at massart. my dear lovely friend nicole jimenez had all three of her pieces shown. i spied her boyfriend mike in the audience and we sat together during the show. saw gerald jimenez and mel jimenez and allison jimenez and arelis soto de jimenez afterward. i couldn’t explain the joy. not now.
got home and greeted annie and her dear mother mary. jenny is at six flags today, masha had two themepark ride themed facebook videos to prove it. got home and i was antsy. gerald and mel and i were talking about bars and drinkan and things, and i decided, the hell with it, im hankering for a pimm’s cup and i want to go to deep ellum. i sat at the corner of the bar. and i was so content. im overloaded on thinking about me [ who am i, how should i treat people, what do my actions say, how can i be truer]… and i am also overloaded on thinking about others….. it was perfect to just go, sit, drink my simple and lovely singular drink, enjoying the buzz of the bar. zoning out to the basketball game for the same reason that i zone out watching most team sports – their movement is mesmerizing. and since they are moving according to the stipulations of a game, their movements are not premeditated or overly constructed…. and therefore create the most odd and intriguing shapes of space between bodies.
graduation on sunday. mom, dad, spencer, paddy, and alexa are all coming in on friday evening, in two waves. i started at bu because it was the only east coast school i finished my application for, and, really, they gave me the most money. i remember finding out just how much at a rehearsal for bbhs’s production of when you wish upon a star… sam harris was in his john smith costume at the time i received the call. i didn’t think i could ever make it as an ‘artist’ – actress, musician, visual artist…. so i told myself i would learn to love theatre design. many many things, after a year of shuffling to and fro the huntington theatre (congrats jordan callais on your new job there!), it was made very clear to me that this was not my space.
taking history of photography from the most fantastic kim sichel with annie was key. paper on photographer august sander:
i then switched my major to art history and my advisor to kim sichel. i didn’t feel i could create well without knowing what came before me; my largest stumbling block in freshman year design mode was thinking i had a style and trying to force my ideas to fit into this supposed ‘style’. i could not rely only upon aesthetic instinct – i needed more vaildity through knowledge.
writing with 150 with seminar with amy chmielewski taught me the importance of specificity and revision; paper on egon schiele.
seminar with williams on contemporary art. learning that art is much more than i thought, much more than many allow it to be. paper and in-class-happening on allan kaprow:
summers performing in big bear lake, winters eating pfefferneuse and falling in love with chistmas over and over. a year ago studying for a semester in kbh. nicoletta isar’s course the anachronism of the image and a presentation on the artist [divine/scientist/wanderer/genius/absent mind] and the role of art [control/sacrifice/cure/dialectic]
i loved this time and i hated it also. i know my curiosities would make me drown. and they did. as the sun became a more often visitor, and as i eventually had my own room due to thomas clark’s departure and offer of his keops room, my anxiety grew. i didn’t know how to deal with, not necessarily all of the new knowledge, but all of the new possibilities. i was scared, my body was scared. the sun made me feel exposed, so i stayed inside, or rode my bike alone. this time was also marked by intense feelings of certain friendship, those feelings and then the haulting anxiety are the heaviest memories.
summer beautiful summer. work at the gym / work out at the gym. work with cathy. twitterpated. move back to boston, new apartments. eunice in streetcar. feeling torn down by a comment on a paper: pompous. started second guessing every thought every word, anxiety increases all over again. a nice winter. back in the spring and taking care of business.
and then, and now, i see. i have gotten to the place i’ve always wanted to be – a place where i know how to act upon my curiosities. a place where i understand how life is a joy. i’m saying whatever and im giving into being myself. this is terrifying, but i’ve tried everything else up until now, and i’ve been anxious, i’ve been depressed, i’ve been lonely, i’ve been critical. now i’m giving in to how i think…. knowing there is no right or wrong in the manner of living, the mode, the key, the shade, the tone, but there is just the a way that i do things. and a way that you, or he, or she does things. and i say i’ve gotten to the place i want to be – that is the mental place. its activation in day to day life is very choppy as of now. every day is an experiment to see how to improve upon the previous.
this is a lot of change. im enamored knowing i’m moving forward, and taking inventory of all the things i see and feel along the way. this is also daunting, but i do not want to become emotionally reserved. i still fear the same things as before, i just have better understanding of how to move through. what if, instead of creating images of ourselves as ourselves, we actually were all that we wanted to be? when we say we do things, we do them, and then do them well? no playing games, just interest in moving forward? conquering jealousy? having a concept of self that, on the one hand, understands and is sensitive to expectations, but does not let those expectations dominate over intrinsic curiosity, or the fact that every person deserves their best. i must repeat and repeat again that i do not say these things to mean that i have arrived here, but i have arrived at a point where this is the sort of thing i now work toward. not to see things as it is acceptable to see them, not to see things as a reaction against what is acceptable, but to take each day’s component for itself. to create to create. to share creations in order to share. to hide behind no words.
we must give ourselves over to complexity if we are ever to become closer to one another.
im finishing up a graduation announcement this weekend,
no gallery internship today – carpet was being installed. after my 8 am appointment, i borrowed a book on velázquez from mugar, heated up my enchilada in the gsu (super awkward because i took up 8 minutes at the microwave, but i also felt that it was equally abnormal in front of someone who was waiting to microwave eggs. sam from england does that, but i didn’t think it was common?) nonetheless. to the cafe, oh my goodness the best thai latte today! didn’t get the name of the barista. sat with people i had recently met, and then later jenny came around. i took a little break from the bagel atmoshpere and walked to the theology library to see my old boss stacey. after speaking about her son paul for a little bit of time, i told her ( and thanked her for her letter of recommendation) that i was accepted into pratt’s masters program for information and library sciences. i’m not going this year. honestly i didn’t think i’d be accepted, and really made no concessions for figuring out the money component. perhaps a deferment.
back to the cafe. got mighty restless and decided to doddle at home until i saw dearest becca-blanche-savoy and she swiped me a meal at warren dining halls. loads of salad, bread sticks galore, orange soda, pizza, cake, ice cream. oh i ate so much nonesense. pit stop at cgs to answer a few fb messages, a walk and talk to the gym where we have moved on from the graham technique and are now tackling the release technique. it was very freeing, especially following the intensity of the graham. there was one component, however, that i was having a difficult time relating to my body: we sit on the floor, legs bent, and by pushing off with the left hand from behind and the right foot, spring up to the left foot, turning to face the back while doing so. it is less complicated with the body than the words make it seem, but a few times i just sat on the ground really at a loss. eventually i at least got to the left foot part, but it was not graceful at all. so funny.
tried to locate sarah crozier to access some large sheets for a project i’ll talk about later, but just missed her. time for drawing. dushko walked in, looking quite tired. announcing he sensed a jailbreak soon, he proposed we go outside to draw. i though i would be a much greater trouper than i was, for the cold got to me a bit too quickly, and my line weights all began to look uniform. a bunch of ‘corny’ people walked by, as dushko coined them after walking around giving us all our warm drinks from starbucks that he purchased for out cold drawing selves, and it is just so funny how people react to another person sitting and drawing. some people try and sneak a peak over their shoulder, some people, mostly middle-aged balding men heading to the charlie sheen agganis arena evening, making exceedingly lame and one-dimensional comments, usually involving putting bunny-ears behind one of their even more oblivious friends’ heads, or referring to their manhood some other lame way. it was fun to see some people i knew in a different context – that’s always nice.
putting together a presentation currently, but decided to take a break, because i finally had the gumption to write. working on becoming more myself so that i may be more open with others. aloof is overrated, aloof is fearful. handsome furs this evening!
i haven’t written for a while. not for lack of desire to do so, but because too much seems to pass through my mind on a daily basis, and then i think, i’ll just sit down and write down everything that has happened to me, just sit and remember and type it all out. but the little details ring as loudly as the large events, and the momentum of the culminating writing would be dry, an attempt at fact-solidifying, rather than writing.
“finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new daw, you shall begin it well and serenely.” – ralph waldo emerson… via my mother’s facebook status
woke up and treated myself to time at the gym. it is really amazing how rewarding it is, in any endeavor, to work fully and with commitment. once the leap past laziness is in the dust, the whole process becomes enjoyable. i suppose it is a matter of seriously engaging with whatever task is at hand. then after seeing a friend working at the rock wall, i sat and watched a water polo match – the first i’d ever seen – for our friend sarah, who plays for b.u. i really enjoyed watching the team warm-up and play. whenever the sports thing comes up, i usually fall back on my elementary schools story: i wanted to be popular, so i played volleyball, softball, basketball, and skied, but that i didn’t necessarily like it, but now i see that i actually did like it very much, i just didn’t like the social aspect (huge surprise there) and as we were sitting watching the game, i was thinking it might be fruitful for me to branch out and do a team activity. maybe not water polo, per say, but something that will get my mind and body in motion that isn’t art or music or aesthetic-oriented. i really feel my brain needs a break from it all in some way, because my life has been centered around it for four years institutionally.
in a strange way, i need to work on relaxing. i’ve allowed my mind to go on overdrive too often. and now its a habit and a fall back when i seem to think i don’t know how to react to a situation. but actively disengaging is really is just horrible. its this little well-hole i’ve dug myself into, and now, putting myself in conversations, for the most part, feels plain awkward. but there is no way i can go around saying to everyone “this is why my words are not working” before we talk.
i wish the words did not stop at my mouth so often. it has become less so this week, but still it occurs. had drinks with a vibrantly diverse group of friends this evening at deep ellum to celebrate my birthday – what an intriguing situation. one by one trail in group out and annie and i sat and talked together as if we were sharing interests over a drink in ireland again. i’ve been thinking about denmark so much lately. saw jason george and he said i looked the part today. its been on my mind, so to take it on in physical appearance goes without thinking.
a painting by Vincent Giarrano, after a photograph taken October 10, 2010 by Spring Street Natural, NYC, waiting for madeline rose lee.
we read Foucault for this week’s baroque lecture. i knew what i was getting into when i began to read it, and the language fit my tastes so perfectly that i could barely pick out bright moments because it all felt so comfortable. i sat in class, trying to incite some resurgence of the intellectual spinning that occurred in my busy little brain while in class under nicoletta isar in denmark. if anything, i wish i could sit that class over again. to reread the notes and look again at the images only touches on a fraction of the intensity of thoughts that ran through my mind at such speed that there was no way to encapsulate them in words, actions, or images. i was trying to hard to be intellectual at this point, and made really no sense when i began to speak. so many ideas and questions circulating. how to give momentum to them, to push them out of the never ending thought-cycle into an action. first how to organize them? i’ve been avoiding the ideas for a while because there were so many. but perhaps its time to investigate these images that run across my eyes, to have courage to address the details of life-reception.
oh the dinosaur… so our teacher’s assistant for drawing misspoke. it was not supposed to be a 4 day project but a 3 week project. we all discovered after trudging to class with despondently tired eyes and boxes of cardboard dinosaur parts. he is not our ta any more, but i do have an image to show for the efforts made.
jenny leant me four hours of her late night-early morning after i sat frustrated on the bed with no idea how to move forward. thank goodness for her. i wasn’t able to set it up in 3 minutes, so i’ll have to redo the project. don’t think i’ll get to trader joe’s in the morning as i intended. it got late so quickly, and i need some rest.
walked to work, carrying this 16 x 18 x 24 duck-tape wrapped box all along the way down commonwealth avenue to have it ready for my drawing class later this evening. i set it down somewhere around packards corner because my arms were tired, and decided this was a perfect moment to open the package i received in the mail from mr. eric sprecher, containing a review of 2 mix cds i had sent him, and then two mixes for me! i was chuckling on the corner, sliding my eyes over the funny drawings and punctuation choices for the demarcations of the songs. i love critically analyzing anything. and so, with these cds it is wonderful twice over – first because i get new music to jam to, and second because i get mechanism to test and probe my tastes. oh so lovely.
finally took a picture of this near our place, i’ve been wanting to for ages.
work was work. excel spreadsheets and data entry. 3.30 creeept on by at such a slow pace, but eventually i had finished my time for the day. next was dance. i had a fumble of a time during the last class, had to leave early, so i was mentally getting ready to try and let things be a bit less intense for myself. but today, we did not do the usual center work/ across the floor/ combination, but we did improvisation. initially we looked at four types of movement (suspension, contraction, explosion, and shaking) then we moved to floor-work, and then we were given index cards with three ways of moving listed. we chose one, and emulated that idea in any and every way we could think, everyone jumping and leaping and squatting and shimmying across the space. we switched cards a few times to change it up. first i had ‘folding’ which i loved, i didn’t have as directed movement for ‘zig zagging’, and ‘moonwalking’ took many forms, but when i moved on to ‘twitching’, my friend kate got ‘mirroring’ and then another student james got ‘interrupting’, so you can just imaging the conglomeration of interactions that occurred between us.
dance was perfect, just what i needed. i was dreading the usual structure, so i was so thankful to change things up. a quick bite of my trader joe’s macarroni and cheese i had brought with me and then off to drawing. my drawing didn’t go so well this night, but i didn’t mind. i really needed that – to produces something so-so, and then to be ok with it. 10 minutes before class, the teacher’s assistant began to describe our homework for tuesday: to build a model based on the drawings of the dinosaur skeletons from the harvard natural history museum. the catches – must be as tall as our person, must be assembled in 3 minutes on tuesday, and it all must disassemble to fit in our aformentioned box. most everyone immediately started asking questions, hurried and worried and ‘how will this affect my grade’ and so forth… but really all i could do was laugh. one by one, each person started sitting down or leaning in the astonishment of the assignment, at which point in time, i was sitting and then i simply turned to laughpounding my fist on the ground. i think the idea is fantastic. i have no idea what or how i will complete the project, but its all so very laughable. i cannot wait for class on tuesday, with or without my project that fulfills or does not fulfill the assignment.
everyone is operating in their own reality… join their reality if possible to gain understanding. each person is reacting to their set of circumstances with the character tools with which they are familiar. the only ‘right’ way to do anything is to push on. alterations are necessary; one’s own self growth is the beautiful thing – not distance or false reverence for mere ideas of people, reverence that is shattered after one conversation’s fumble. people who are real, close, open – self-reliant and mature as well (so as not to overstep into neediness) – but people who rest in themselves with a marked reception to life.
oh to go on, to step forward, is the beautiful thing.
i read all of the required articles for class, but had nothing to say during the discussion. really, nothing. i was straining my brain to think of something… but to strain oneself for anything usually results in a contrived response, or no response at all. such was the case.
group seminar dynamics are fascinating to me. it seems that half of what is going on is directed toward discussing the readings, and the other half is the formation of personalities in an academic setting. in this instance, i dislike when one comment i contribute is aggrandized to represent my ‘position’ on a subject. i suppose i get frustrated that curiosity, or positing a plausible reason for something, is misinterpreted to be discrete opinion, when really i just wanted to keep moving forward with the discussion taking something new into account. no matter.
i feel my heart hardening and i dislike it immensely. the sad winter weather, i believe, is a large component. self-criticisim and an unhealthy height self-awareness are the others. for then my frustrations toward myself turn to anger and bitterness toward others, when really all that is happening is that they are opperating in their reality and i in mine.
but things change. just last night, i was speaking with annie, repeating repeating that things just change. i will be staying here for spring break. some of the days will be spent at the gallery, but we, annie and i, hope to take a bicycle trip out to the cape. i am of course very excited. it reminds me of the day ben, madeline, malte, charlotte and i took a bicycle trip in denmark, but ended up in køge rather than roskilde. travel, any sort, really cheers a person up, or at least me, immediately, because i am reminded and thankfully comforted by relearning the fact that the world is much larger than me.
spoke with cody sevedge on skype! he is studying in australia, about 45 minutes from melbourne. simply speaking with him brought back the feelings of a year ago, denmark, to me. i’m looking forward to hearing more and more from him and his travels.