[jot this down]

A BLOG [et al.] BY SARAH ANN ADAMS

handsome handsome

no gallery internship today – carpet was being installed. after my 8 am appointment, i borrowed a book on velázquez from mugar, heated up my enchilada in the gsu (super awkward because i took up 8 minutes at the microwave, but i also felt that it was equally abnormal in front of someone who was waiting to microwave eggs. sam from england does that, but i didn’t think it was common?) nonetheless. to the cafe, oh my goodness the best thai latte today! didn’t get the name of the barista. sat with people i had recently met, and then later jenny came around. i took a little break from the bagel atmoshpere and walked to the theology library to see my old boss stacey. after speaking about her son paul for a little bit of time, i told her ( and thanked her for her letter of recommendation)  that i was accepted into pratt’s masters program for information and library sciences. i’m not going this year. honestly i didn’t think i’d be accepted, and really made no concessions for figuring out the money component. perhaps a deferment.

back to the cafe. got mighty restless and decided to doddle at home until i saw dearest becca-blanche-savoy and she swiped me a meal at warren dining halls. loads of salad, bread sticks galore, orange soda, pizza, cake, ice cream. oh i ate so much nonesense. pit stop at cgs to answer a few fb messages, a walk and talk to the gym where we have moved on from the graham technique and are now tackling the release technique. it was very freeing, especially following the intensity of the graham. there was one component, however, that i was having a difficult time relating to my body: we sit on the floor, legs bent, and by pushing off with the left hand from behind and the right foot, spring up to the left foot, turning to face the back while doing so. it is less complicated with the body than the words make it seem, but a few times i just sat on the ground really at a loss. eventually i at least got to the left foot part, but it was not graceful at all. so funny.

tried to locate sarah crozier to access some large sheets for a project i’ll talk about later, but just missed her. time for drawing. dushko walked in, looking quite tired. announcing he sensed a jailbreak soon, he proposed we go outside to draw. i though i would be a much greater trouper than i was, for the cold got to me a bit too quickly, and my line weights all began to look uniform. a bunch of ‘corny’ people walked by, as dushko coined them after walking around giving us all our warm drinks from starbucks that he purchased for out cold drawing selves, and it is just so funny how people react to another person sitting and drawing. some people try and sneak a peak over their shoulder, some people, mostly middle-aged balding men heading to the charlie sheen agganis arena evening, making exceedingly lame and one-dimensional comments, usually involving putting bunny-ears behind one of their even more oblivious friends’ heads, or referring to their manhood some other lame way. it was fun to see some people i knew in a different context – that’s always nice.

Philip_IV_of_Spain

Philip IV of Spain • Velázquez • 1656

putting together a presentation currently, but decided to take a break, because i finally had the gumption to write. working on becoming more myself so that i may be more open with others. aloof is overrated, aloof is fearful. handsome furs this evening!

more later

i haven’t written for a while. not for lack of desire to do so, but because too much seems to pass through my mind on a daily basis, and then i think, i’ll just sit down and write down everything that has happened to me, just sit and remember and type it all out. but the little details ring as loudly as the large events, and the momentum of the culminating writing would be dry, an attempt at fact-solidifying, rather than writing.

“finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new daw, you shall begin it well and serenely.” – ralph waldo emerson… via my mother’s facebook status

woke up and treated myself to time at the gym. it is really amazing how rewarding it is, in any endeavor, to work fully and with commitment. once the leap past laziness is in the dust, the whole process becomes enjoyable. i suppose it is a matter of seriously engaging with whatever task is at hand. then after seeing a friend working at the rock wall, i sat and watched a water polo match – the first i’d ever seen – for our friend sarah, who plays for b.u. i really enjoyed watching the team warm-up and play. whenever the sports thing comes up, i usually fall back on my elementary schools story: i wanted to be popular,  so i played volleyball, softball, basketball, and skied, but that i didn’t necessarily like it, but now i see that i actually did like it very much, i just didn’t like the social aspect (huge surprise there) and as we were sitting watching the game, i was thinking it might be fruitful for me to branch out and do a team activity. maybe not water polo, per say, but something that will get my mind and body in motion that isn’t art or music or aesthetic-oriented. i really feel my brain needs a break from it all in some way, because my life has been centered around it for four years institutionally.

in a strange way, i need to work on relaxing. i’ve allowed my mind to go on overdrive too often. and now its a habit and a fall back when i seem to think i don’t know how to react to a situation. but actively disengaging is really is just horrible. its this little well-hole i’ve dug myself into, and now, putting myself  in conversations, for the most part, feels plain awkward. but there is no way i can go around saying to everyone “this is why my words are not working” before we talk.

more later.

cardboard parts

i wish the words did not stop at my mouth so often. it has become less so this week, but still it occurs. had drinks with a vibrantly diverse group of friends this evening at deep ellum to celebrate my birthday – what an intriguing situation. one by one trail in group out and annie and i sat and talked together as if we were sharing interests over a drink in ireland again. i’ve been thinking about denmark so much lately. saw jason george and he said i looked the part today. its been on my mind, so to take it on in physical appearance goes without thinking.

a painting by Vincent Giarrano, after a photograph taken October 10, 2010 by Spring Street Natural, NYC, waiting for madeline rose lee.

Picture 2

Waiting for a Friend • 16x20 • by Vincent Giarrano

we read Foucault for this week’s baroque lecture. i knew what i was getting into when i began to read it, and the language fit my tastes so perfectly that i could  barely pick out bright moments because it all felt so comfortable. i sat in class, trying to incite some resurgence of the intellectual spinning that occurred in my busy little brain while in class under nicoletta isar in denmark. if anything, i wish i could sit that class over again. to reread the notes and look again at the images only touches on a fraction of the intensity of thoughts that ran through my mind at such speed that there was no way to encapsulate them in words, actions, or images. i was trying to hard to be intellectual at this point, and made really no sense when i began to speak. so many ideas and questions circulating. how to give momentum to them, to push them out of the never ending thought-cycle into an action. first how to organize them? i’ve been avoiding the ideas for a while because there were so many. but perhaps its time to investigate these images that run across my eyes, to have courage to address the details of life-reception.

oh the dinosaur… so our teacher’s assistant for drawing misspoke. it was not supposed to be a 4 day project but a 3 week project. we all discovered after trudging to class with despondently tired eyes and boxes of cardboard dinosaur parts. he is not our ta any more, but i do have an image to show for the efforts made.

IMG_6394

jenny leant me four hours of her late night-early morning after i sat frustrated on the bed with no idea how to move forward. thank goodness for her. i wasn’t able to set it up in 3 minutes, so i’ll have to redo the project. don’t think i’ll get to trader joe’s in the morning as i intended. it got late so quickly, and i need some rest.

keratinization!

walked to work, carrying this 16 x 18 x 24 duck-tape wrapped box all along the way down commonwealth avenue to have it ready for my drawing class later this evening.  i set it down somewhere around packards corner because my arms were tired, and decided this was a perfect moment to open the package i received in the mail from mr. eric sprecher, containing a review of 2 mix cds i had sent him, and then two mixes for me! i was chuckling on the corner, sliding my eyes over the funny drawings and punctuation choices for the demarcations of the songs. i love critically analyzing anything. and so, with these cds it is wonderful twice over – first because i get new music to jam to, and second because i get mechanism to test and probe my tastes. oh so lovely.

finally took a picture of this near our place, i’ve been wanting to for ages.

IMG_6386

work was work. excel spreadsheets and data entry. 3.30 creeept on by at such a slow pace, but eventually i had finished my time for the day. next was dance. i had a fumble of a time during the last class, had to leave early, so i was mentally getting ready to try and let things be a bit less intense for myself. but today, we did not do the usual center work/ across the floor/ combination, but we did improvisation. initially we looked at four types of movement (suspension, contraction, explosion, and shaking) then we moved to floor-work, and then we were given index cards with three ways of moving listed. we chose one, and emulated that idea in any and every way we could think, everyone jumping and leaping and squatting and shimmying across the space. we switched cards a few times to change it up. first i had ‘folding’  which i loved, i didn’t have as directed movement for ‘zig zagging’, and ‘moonwalking’ took many forms, but when i moved on to ‘twitching’, my friend kate  got ‘mirroring’ and then another student james got ‘interrupting’, so you can just imaging the conglomeration of interactions that occurred between us.

dance was perfect, just what i needed. i was dreading the usual structure, so i was so thankful to change things up. a quick bite of my trader joe’s macarroni and cheese i had brought with me and then off to drawing. my drawing didn’t go so well this night, but i didn’t mind. i really needed that – to produces something so-so, and then to be ok with it. 10 minutes before class, the teacher’s assistant began to describe our homework for tuesday: to build a model based on the drawings of the dinosaur skeletons from the  harvard natural history  museum. the catches – must be as tall as our person, must be assembled in 3 minutes on tuesday, and it all must disassemble to fit in our aformentioned box. most everyone immediately started asking questions, hurried and worried and ‘how will this affect my grade’ and so forth… but really all i could do was laugh. one by one, each person started sitting down or leaning in the astonishment of the assignment, at which point in time, i was sitting and then i simply turned to laughpounding my fist on the ground. i think the idea is fantastic. i have no idea what or how i will complete the project, but its all so very laughable. i cannot wait for class on tuesday, with or without my project that fulfills or does not fulfill the assignment.



to go on to step forward.

everyone is operating in their own reality… join their reality if possible to gain understanding. each person is reacting to their set of circumstances with the character tools with which they are familiar. the only ‘right’ way to do anything is to push on. alterations are necessary; one’s own self growth is the beautiful thing – not distance or false reverence for mere ideas of people, reverence that is shattered after one conversation’s fumble. people who are real, close, open – self-reliant and mature as well (so as not to overstep into neediness) – but people who rest in themselves with a marked reception to life.

oh to go on, to step forward, is the beautiful thing.

i read all of the required articles for class, but had nothing to say during the discussion. really, nothing. i was straining my brain to think of something… but to strain oneself for anything usually results in a contrived response, or no response at all. such was the case.

group seminar dynamics are fascinating to me. it seems that half of what is going on is directed toward discussing the readings, and the other half is the formation of personalities in an academic setting. in this instance, i dislike when one comment i contribute is aggrandized to represent my ‘position’ on a subject.  i suppose i get frustrated that curiosity, or positing a plausible reason for something, is misinterpreted to be discrete opinion, when really i just wanted to keep moving forward with the discussion taking something new into account. no matter.

i feel my heart hardening and i dislike it immensely. the sad winter weather, i believe, is a large component. self-criticisim and an unhealthy height self-awareness are the others. for then my frustrations toward myself turn to anger and bitterness toward others, when really all that is happening is that they are opperating in their reality and i in mine.

but things change. just last night, i was speaking with annie, repeating repeating that things just change. i will be staying here for spring break. some of the days will be spent at the gallery, but we, annie and i, hope to take a bicycle trip out to the cape. i am of course very excited. it reminds me of the day ben, madeline, malte, charlotte and i took a bicycle trip in denmark, but ended up in køge rather than roskilde. travel, any sort, really cheers a person up, or at least me, immediately, because i am reminded and thankfully comforted by relearning the fact that the world is much larger than me.

spoke with cody sevedge on skype! he is studying in australia, about 45 minutes from melbourne. simply speaking with him brought back the feelings of a year ago, denmark, to me. i’m looking forward to hearing more and more from him and his travels.

bodies of strength with restraint & grace.

woke up and doddeled a bunch. i’m great at doddeling. but around 9.30, i decided to ride my bike instead of walking, so that gave me 10 more minutes of doddeling, which i greatly enjoyed.

sat down in islamic art and architecture and thomas, the evergreen student with whom t had a very informational conversation wednesday after class where I walked away with a bag full of books, opened the class with <<i have a general question>> to which the professor responded, post question of course, << this is a very… this is a good question.>> i enjoy professor this professor gittings immensely because she is not trying to be anything she is not. not a teacher-entertainer, not a teacher-authoritarian, etcv. the information is the information, and from that base we draw our content and our interpretations, and sense of academic purpose within the framework of the class.

i similarly thoroughly enjoy my seminar on baroque art with professor zell. i had requested to meet him for office hours, and at the end of class, he pointed directly at me, asking “we’re meeting, right?” oh yes we are, and we walked to his office together. he understands how my mind works in the classroom setting. i tried earnestly to present my ideas and questions with open curiosity in our class, and his method of teaching fell perfectly in line with my preferred method of learning. i felt such a weight lift when i saw that he understood how i know how to learn. what a shift occurred while i was away in denmark – only now am i seeing its effects. and each unit of life forward, we must learn to marry our past and our present to create a dynamic future. too much of an open mind and your feet are in the sky willy nilly. too closed and you’re stuck, and most likely angry about it.

drunken silenus I by peter paul rubens, 1616

drunken silenus I by peter paul rubens, 1616

after picking up papers to be graded for computer science, i biked to the internship. commonwealth, what a perfect street to bike on! i had always been weary of the left hand bike lane, for when it dips under the road, it looks as if it is leading to the freeway, but no! it is really just a little heaven of bike lane that shoots down and slingshots you back up to ground level. really I think people would be much less uptight if they got a good bike ride in every once in a while.

got to work, and realized my whole backside was wet from the melted snow that had shot up on the ride over. i publicly confessed this to the workers at the gallery, lest they think i was unawares. what a world of difference it is to be on newbury street. i am, at least, beginning to understand this societal cross-section of boston.

it is difficult to come into contact with life-idiosyncrasies by which i vowed to not be ruled. but simply because i do choose not to be dictated by something, does not mean that thing is not a present force in others’ lives. in this instance, it is unsaid rules, rules that are only discovered to exist once they have been tripped over, the thread mark broken. marry what you are expected to be in the workplace, with who you are internally. perhaps these are not so vastly diverging for others, but at this introductory phase, once again, i feel fragmented.

curiosity is a saving grace. curiosity shows that you have not arrived, and that there is always further to go, and in this sense, a means toward hope. hope that where we are now is not where we will always be. curiosity is also a weighty antidote for pride. how often i feel the curiosity building, but then yet another disjunction with the body – for my fear paralyzes the asking of questions, and the seeking of answers. do most operate by taking expectations and molding the soul to fit within? how, instead, can we recognize the innate soul and instead enact it upon and with the world around us? fear is the primary stumbling block at this point in time.

on the snowbank.

almost 6 am and i haven’t been able to fall asleep for 3 hours. im hoping this will be sort of a lullaby for me, so that i may fall asleep.

on my lunch break, more like my afternoon exit from the gallery, i walked out and saw kids playing around on the heinously tall banks of snow. regular kid stuff  – playing, running, yelping and what not. but a few more paces and there was this figure, just laying on the snow, laying in s shape, looking like he was listening to the snowbank. from the back, it looked like he was dead. i was walking up from behind, and turned my head to look at the face of the little child. his eyes were open, looking up through his blue pupils. just so quiet. other people walking by, you could see they were worried, or at least confused. a little bit i was too. but his mind was really just somewhere else, wherever it was seemed real by the way of his intent expression.

others passed and i could see them more mostly confused now, but i thought to myself – ‘this kid must be on to something.’ and i was so curious to know his thoughts. for that little self contained world in which he was operating was so intriguing. much more intriguing by the peopled newbury street, replete with all its unsaid rules. unsaid rules so loud they practically hit you on the face. and for one who works so hard not to be dictated by games, i feel like i have to play them sometimes to get along – with how i dress, what i say, and more importantly what i don’t – which bothers me at this point in time.

but then i am reminded of  this social study my mother read aloud to us over winter break about social understandings of classes. social understandings of those living in poverty, those from the middle class, and then the wealthy. and how there are skill sets associated with each. for example, for someone living in poverty, or on a low income, bartering and negotiating for purchases and deals is a skill often required to get by. but this skill doesn’t come second nature to the other classes, because it is not as necessary. i would consider myself from the middle class, but it is so funny how i expect of myself just to ‘get’ how other people operate. but there is no way that i could inherantly understand, without at least trial and error, how people of different backgrounds get along through life.

as with my gallery internship, i am interacting with a completely different set of people. people who frequent newbury street, art collectors, artists themselves. i was talking to beth wheat today that i am often so overwhelmed by the social interactions that happen in the gallery. its like im having to do double duty – learning the logistics of running the place, as well as being attentive to the interpersonal relations. all that is to say that it is a lot to take in. and there’s no manual for that sort of thing. its also a matter of taking on these patterns of behavior in order to do well, but my insides screaming that i am still an individual, and that i don’t feelon im being truthful with myself. i hope to be able to work on this opposition of inner and outer self by extending myself outward, rather than strictly altering my internal self, as if there were something wrong. too much time wasted thinking that way.